My holidays just started but it already feels like its ending. Soon enough, assignments and exams will hit me like a tornado. (Yay!) The past week passed by like a bullet train and it scares me how time passes so quickly without me realizing. I had in mind a 3-week holiday where i could just chill and stone half the day away, sleep till 4, watch tv till i die of boredom, have a coffee and read a book or just talk to my dog. Spending time with the boy has been great and we made up for the time we couldn't meet because of exams, but time passes so fast and sometimes all i need is for time to just stop.
It was just a few weeks ago when Dom passed away and it shocked me. I received a text in the morning and i had to check all forms of social media to make sure it wasn't a dream. It made me realize how fragile life was and it's unpredictability. It's scary but a fact that life has to end somehow.
I need time to figure out what i want in my life. I need time to just enjoy & live life. I need time to appreciate the people around me. I need time to eat all my fav food 10 more times. I need time to accept my fears. I need time to forgive. I need time to love. I need time to just STOP. There are so many things i wanna do but theres just not enough time to do them.
Hence, i ate 3 paos in 10 mins.
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There was a subconscious part of me that said I told you so when you looked at me and said "I'm sorry, tell me again. This time i'll rmb". It was not some trivial thing that we were discussing like how many birds there were on the lamp post. It was important, something that affected the both of us (apparently not the case). Its okay if you don't remember what we did on our first date or where we ate. it is nothing in comparison to forgetting this. You brushed it away like it meant nothing. I feel like shit because i can't do anything about it. I asked for it. I knew something like this would happen and i should never have asked. You told me "not to do anything for [you] anymore so you would never forget", so why do i still bother then? I keep telling myself that if i treated you how i wanted you to treat me then maybe sometimes you would understand how i feel or at least put yourself in my shoes. I still bother because i love you and i guess that's my only reason. But it still hurts like a fucking fresh wound would when it hits water.
"These days i live either in ecstasy or in maddening pain.
Tonight after our talk, it was pain"
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