What do doves sound like when they cry?

I spend my nights staring at the ceiling as if they would come alive and tell me what to do. Afraid that the sun won't rise, i stay awake. Afraid that if i close my eyes, the darkness will overwhelm me. And then i start to wonder if i'm insane. Most of the time i'm ok. I talk to my friends and crack jokes, i laugh and for that instant, i think to myself "Everything is ok". Until, it's not. I get confused with the duality of my life. I leave a part of me behind when i switch from the person I am with the world and the person i am behind closed doors. Which person am i then? It's like a tug of war and i'm always exhausted, always sad.

Slowly, I start to hate every bit of myself. My skin peels like an onion, starts to sag and collect at my bottom. My stomach suddenly becomes the size of a pea. Eating a carrot feels like you're swallowing an atomic bomb. But i still try. I try to shove food down so that i seem normal, so that i know everything is ok and there's nothing wrong.
The cycle continues.

I lie in bed and stare at the ceiling and realize how still the night actually is. Till my thoughts start screaming. They ask me why I can't be perfect, why I just cant seem to do things right. So i give up and succumb to the dullness of the night, succumb to the fact that i'll never be able to meet expectations. I no longer know who i am. I don't remember anything at all.
All i know is that everything will be ok.
It has to.
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"This summer will be different because of the people who will punctuate it, because of the unanticipated and unknown moments indicative of a season when stakes and clothing and inhibitions are low. When you begin to miss the sunburns and the sandcastles and the cigarettes, remember that this summer will be different because you are; because like the sun that lights your longest days, you don’t know how to be anything else."