Numb

As the days and months pass, i'm becoming incredibly attached to you. You were there when I was at my worst, and you made me stronger. You never failed to encourage me and make me feel so loved. I am super thankful now that you're in my life. You made it seem like love was possible again. You would make me laugh and smile. You filled the void of doubt that was lingering. I could feel my heart growing bigger and bigger and it made me love you even more.

You were different from the rest. You were special. I could look into your eyes and genuinely imagine what life would be if i were to spend the rest of it with you and you made it seem ok. Imagine what tv shows we would watch, what we would do after meals, the need to solve everything we weren't sure about and see who would think of it first. You were basically everything i wanted and needed.

The way we cuddled was more like a tangled ball of wool with no end or beginning instead of mere jigsaw pieces. How you would always put the toothbrush in the shower because i like it that way. How you would always leave the best for me. How you would peel prawns for me. How you would make sure i was not feeing cold by wrapping your arms around me. How you would hold my hand when you drive and give me glances once in awhile. All of your actions, albeit small or big were like little promises to me.

But this makes me terrified. Afraid that you would one day leave. Like everybody else.
I absolutely hate this feeling of insecurity. This feeling of inadequateness. This feeling of... Fear.

"We sabotage our own love with behaviors that don't support our subconscious". I have no reason to be feeling this way because you make me happy. All the time, especially when i'm with you. But there's this sick feeling floating around the back of my mind and deep in my gut. What happens if you leave? What happens if i'm not good enough for you? What happens if i can't measure up to all your expectations? What happens if there's someone else? I know it's not fair to compare you to the rest of the past.

But i'm terrified.
Because you mean so much to me.
I hate this feeling of insecurity, this feeling of inadequateness.
This fear of loving because everybody leaves.